Overcoming Adversity, Attachment Issues, and Relationship Challenges with Positive Psychology Coaching

As a positive psychology coach, I often work with clients navigating challenges in their relationships. Many of these struggles stem from the effects of past adversity or attachment style, which shape how we view ourselves, others, and the world around us. These patterns, often formed in childhood or during significant life events, can lead to unconscious beliefs and automatic reactions that derail our pursuit of happiness, and impact the quality of our relationships.

 While some situations require the expertise of a trained therapist—particularly when there are significant physical, mental, or emotional wounds—many people benefit from the tools and insights provided through life coaching. Positive psychology coaching offers a pathway for those who are ready to build self-awareness and create meaningful change in their lives.

The Lasting Impact of Adversity on Relationships

 Adversity, whether experienced in childhood or adulthood, leaves an imprint on how we relate to others. It shapes:

• Beliefs about ourselves: For example, “I’m not enough,” or “People will abandon me.

• Expectations in relationships: Feeling excluded, misunderstood, or unworthy of connection.

• Communication patterns: Falling into habits of defensiveness, blame, or avoidance during conflict.

Consider that not all of us were born into families with wise “attuned” parents. Attachment issues often emerge from our early experiences with our caregivers, influencing how we connect with others as adults. Here is a quick overview:

• Secure Attachment: Associated with open communication, trust, and emotional safety.

• Anxious Attachment: Characterized by fear of abandonment and emotional intensity.

• Avoidant Attachment: Marked by emotional distance and discomfort with vulnerability.

• Disorganized Attachment: A mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies, often linked to unresolved trauma or inconsistency in past relationships.

When these attachment challenges go unaddressed, they can create cycles of conflict, miscommunication, and disconnection. For example, one client I worked with described their partner as overly critical, quick to bring up past mistakes, and quick to feel excluded. Those responses, shaped by the past, were protective mechanisms—but they were unintentionally creating the very distance and brokeness they feared; a phenomenon known as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The Path to Awareness and Change

 Creating healthier relationships begins with a willingness to change. Without this openness, it’s difficult to challenge the beliefs and behaviors that keep us stuck. The next step is cultivating self-awareness, the starting point of all change which leads to insight, whereby we begin to recognize how our unique blend of genes, past experiences, and environment shape our momentary thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Attachment styles, or how we connect with others, can sometimes change—but it is not easy. The emotional patterns tied to attachment styles feel deeply real, and the thoughts they produce can be incredibly convincing. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style might think, “I’m being excluded; they don’t care about me,” even when there’s no objective evidence to support it.  In the same situation someone with a secure attachment style might think, “I’m not being excluded; I know they care about me.”

 What makes attachment styles particularly challenging to shift is that they are often formed during the first two or three years of life.  During this period much of what we experience is pre-verbal—meaning we don’t yet have words to describe our feelings. Instead, these emotions and beliefs are stored in the body as sensations, which makes them hard to identify and articulate later in life.

 This is why many of these patterns feel so deeply ingrained and difficult to access. Awareness is key; As the saying goes, “You have to name it to tame it.” and “feel it to heal it,” but doing so requires a level of awareness and emotional exploration that takes time, focused attention, and effort.

 The reward for this work, however, is immense. The advantage of gaining this kind of insight is freedom—freedom from the automatic reactions, unconscious beliefs, and limiting patterns that have held us back for so long. Freedom to feel satisfied with our lives and in a good mood.  With insight, we can move from being controlled by our emotions to being empowered to respond intentionally and in alignment with what is most important to us.

This movement towards change highlights several important distinctions:

• Subjective experience is how we perceive and interpret events, shaped by our beliefs and emotions.

• Objective reality is what’s actually happening, independent of our interpretations.

• Over-identification occurs when we fuse with our thoughts and emotions, making them part of our identity rather than seeing them for what they are: mental events, not reality. For example, having the thought “I’m unworthy” very quickly becomes “I am unworthy”—as if the thought defines your entire being.

When we over-identify with our emotions and thoughts, we are often reacting to the meaning we’ve attached to a situation. When something happens, we evaluate it and automatically ask “Why did this happen?”  These meanings—formed innocently enough—become the truths we hold so dear, shaping our perception of reality. However, these “truths” rarely reflect objective reality; instead, they reflect our own beliefs, shaped by past experiences, fears, and unconscious patterns.

 And as the saying goes, “It’s not what we don’t know that kills us—it’s what we know for certain that just ain’t so.” It can be incredibly hard to detach ourselves from feelings and thoughts that feel so undeniably true in our lives. But this is precisely the work we need to do when addressing attachment styles and other deeply held beliefs that exist below the level of conscious awareness.

To create lasting change, it’s important to:

• Start with safe, modest, actionable goals: Change doesn’t happen overnight. Begin with small, manageable behaviors that feel safe to try.

• Act contrary to your urges: Instead of reacting impulsively, take small, intentional steps to act in ways that serve your needs rather than your emotions or unconscious beliefs.

• Adopt a research stance: Treat these new behaviors as experiments. Observe how they affect your relationships and adjust as needed.

For example:

   •       If you feel the urge to withdraw or lash out when excluded, try initiating a kind conversation instead.

   •       If criticism or blame is your default reaction to hurt, pause and express your feelings constructively.

 By testing small behaviors, you can build insight, challenge old beliefs, and develop healthier patterns of connection. Over time, these small shifts will lead to profound improvements in both self-awareness and the quality of your relationships.

 How Coaching Can Help

 As a coach, my role is to guide clients through the process of self-discovery and growth. Through structured exercises, reflective conversations, and practical tools, clients can:

      1.   Understand Patterns: Explore how adversity and attachment challenges have shaped their beliefs and behaviors.

      2.   Build Emotional Awareness: Identify triggers and practice healthier responses.

      3.   Strengthen Relationships: Learn skills for open communication, empathy, and mutual support.

 While coaching doesn’t replace therapy, it’s ideal for individuals ready to take action. Coaching helps translate insights into tangible steps that improve the quality of relationships and life as a whole.

Practical Steps for Growth

 If you’re looking to address the effects of adversity or attachment issues in your relationships, here are some steps to begin the process:

1.      Commit to Self-Awareness 

Start by reflecting on your beliefs and behaviors. Ask yourself:

        •  What assumptions do I make about myself and others in relationships?

        •  What patterns do I notice in my reactions during conflict?

        •  How might past experiences be influencing my present?

2.      Practice Assertive Communication 

Focus on expressing your feelings and needs without blame. For example:

        •  Instead of, “You never include me,” try, “I feel hurt when I’m left out because it’s important to me to feel connected.”

3.      Focus on Shared Goals 

Work with your partner to identity mutual goals for your relationship. Framing challenges as opportunities for growth can foster collaboration instead of conflict.

 Reflection Questions 

      1.   Are there patterns in your relationships that seem to repeat over time?

      2.   What beliefs or assumptions might be driving these patterns?

      3.   How can developing greater self-awareness help you build healthier connections with others?

Final Thoughts

 The effects of adversity and attachment issues don’t have to define your relationships. With willingness, self-awareness, and the right tools, you can create lasting, positive change. Importantly, lasting change isn’t about simply fixing everything that’s wrong—it’s about cultivating awareness and practicing new skills that align with your values and lead to a flourishing life. Positive psychology coaching provides a supportive environment to help individuals explore their patterns, build insight, and take meaningful steps toward growth.

 If you’re ready to start this journey, remember that change begins with the decision to take that first step. Let’s explore what’s possible together.